How and when I learned I didn’t have to be shy.
As I was an only child it was natural for me to be by myself much of the time, but I remember spending time with my cousins Nancy and David and wishing I had a sibling. My neighborhood girlfriends were Prudie, who lived next door and Susie, who lived behind me and up the street. But, if my parents took me anywhere that included unfamiliar adults, I’d find a way to be by myself. In those days it was termed shy, and I knew it wasn’t a good thing. When you’re made to understand, as a child, that something about you isn’t acceptable, that’s a recipe for low self esteem. Add to that the enjoyable way food made me feel – hello dopamine - and you have a recipe for a pudgy child.
That is, unfortunately, another unacceptable trait, especially in Duluth, Minnesota in the 1950’s where my father owned a pharmacy. A lot of people knew my parents, and mom and dad wanted to be proud of me, but I knew they weren’t. I was an okay student but not great. Neither was I athletic. Could play the piano but wouldn’t practice. Add to this, I wasn’t particularly mature either. In high school I didn’t join any clubs or organizations and really didn’t excel in any way. In those days clothes for chubby girls barely existed so shopping trips were further proof of my not-fitting-in-ness.
This sounds like a recipe for clinical depression but no. While my parents’ expectations were my source of shame, I also knew that they really loved me. I may have been an only child but that wasn’t their choice. My mother had four miscarriages, so having at least one living child was a miracle. Adding to that is the fact that she almost died of blood loss in childbirth. As a baby, I was adorable and had two doting parents until about age 5 or 6 when my personality as it relates to other people began to appear. I’m not sure what Dr. Spock had to say about this, and they certainly took his advice on things, but I clearly got the message that they didn’t approve of how I felt and acted.
Somehow, college at the University of Miami, proved to be life changing in some important ways. Living away from home meant the end of frequent criticism. Even though my parents had moved to Hollywood, Florida, I lived in the dorm in Coral Gables. What I discovered, although I was unaware of it then, was that I wasn’t shy, I was, and still am, an ambivert; love being with others but need substantial time alone.
The awareness of change in personality came from an elective class I took junior year. I don’t remember the name, but now realize it was a late ‘60’s early ‘70’s attempt at self-actualization. I was mostly flummoxed by the various exercises experienced in class until the day we went outside. Instructed to choose an animal to portray. I chose puppy. “Now run around and be that animal.” OMG more nonsense. But I ran around with puppy in my head. And my life changed.
What I discovered was that I was quite busy being a puppy and everyone else was busy being their animal. I didn’t take any time to look at them and they were also too preoccupied to look at me. And there you have it. As long as anyone’s behavior is within the bounds of normalcy, no one is going to pay much attention to you at all. Even if they do, the look from strangers has no meaning at all.
I now know, however, that if you’d like to get a positive reaction from a stranger, it can be done in two simple steps: step one make eye contact, step two smile. Ninety-nine percent of the time, that person will smile back. The act of smiling at someone and receiving a smile in return activates those same dopamine receptors revved up by chocolate. You just saved 500 calories. You’re welcome.
